AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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