Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
