Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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