I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
