just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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