I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my sisters under your porch take her home
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
