I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
