I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
