An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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