peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Say something about gay babies.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
