The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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