In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
