Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
