If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
