Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
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New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
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who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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