omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
