if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
