I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
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I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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