I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same