I should be sponsored by Trojan
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.