omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology