I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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