She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
