Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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