at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bring me that man meat
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
