Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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