just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
