I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
