if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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