I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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