Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
