If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
