I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
