It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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