I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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