Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
