just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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