even my farts smell like vagina
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
