Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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