I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
