that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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