Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
