God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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