my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
