y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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