Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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