She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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