There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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