I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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