I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
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Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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