wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
