Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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