My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
