I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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