her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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