I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Enjoy the penises
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
